I remember saying this to my friend, "I would never date a friend or worse my best friend. Losing them as a partner means you lost 2 people at the same time".

And I'm truly terrified of that. Just imagine, you build up this whole relationship and end up together as a couple, but then when you couldn't handle the circumstances you break up and leave each other behind. It is easy to say sorry to your friend but it'll take so much effort just to say it to your ex. I've seen a lot and I don't want to be another bad example. So when something feels like goes to the right, I'll do my best to make it right back to the track. I refuse the sparks and all just because I don't want to lose them as my friend. 

When someone chooses to be my friend and act nice to me, it won't lead me somewhere else but feel grateful for that. But when they started to tell me that they have a thing, I would simply rethink all of their kindness and feel betrayed by them because all this time - they act nice because they love me and want me to know it, to impress me. Aku akhirnya merasa mereka ngga tulus berteman karena mengharapkan lebih dari hubungan itu. I do believe, that friendship will last more than a romantic relationship. Makanya aku paling anti dengan hubungan teman jadi pasangan.

But then, growing up in this society, in this drama era and full of parades, make me want to think deeper than I used to do. I started to realize that choosing someone to be your partner isn't as easy as meeting random people at a cafe and then deciding to go on a date. It won't work like that. Ibaratnya gini, dengan orang yang kita kira sudah kita kenal dengan baik saja kadang masih bisa terjadi salahpaham yang berakhir pertengkaran dll. Orang yang kenal kita 3-5 tahun pun ngga menjamin dia ngerti gimana kita, apalagi orang asing yang baru kita kenal?

Memilih pasangan hidup harusnya tidak dilakukan sesembrono itu. Kita harus mengenalnya cukup baik sampai bisa memutuskan, "oh oke, aku mau kita jadi teman hidup untuk selamanya". Hidup dengan orang yang ngga memahami kita dengan baik itu sangat-sangat mengerikan sih. Apalagi misalnya kita sama-sama kurang paham sifat pasangan kita, wah bakal rame banget rumah tangganya.

I know, everything needs a process. But, I prefer to take mie telur yang sudah ada di meja ketimbang masak semuanya dari awal karena belum tentu bisa seenak yang ada didepan mata. It depends on you juga sih, tapi kalau aku yang susah memahami orang ini kayanya lebih enak untuk ngambil orang yang sudah familiar untukku daripada harus start everything from the beginning.

The concept of Taaruf is beautiful and Islam recommends that way instead of dating. But, some part of me was still trapped. How could I let him be my partner when I just meet him like 3-6 months ago?! What if all of the nice things he says are just part of the game? What if, he just pretending? What if.... What if.... What if...

The amount of possibility that comes to my mind makes me want to reconsider my life. Is it possible for me to finally trust someone? Do I have to choose a man just to fill my life? Do I have to do this? Why can't I just spend the rest of my life on my own? Why do we need someone else just to accomplish our lives? Why cant we do it alone?

Intinya sih kalau untuk sekarang, entah dari teman atau baru bertemu, kita harus benar-benar mengenal calon kita bukan hanya dari satu sisinya aja. Kita harus 100% menyelaminya sebelum benar-benar ikut terjun bersama. Jangan terlalu bergantung dengan istilah, nanti sambil jalan bisa kok, iya sih kalo bisa, lah kalo ngga? Jadi penyesalan seumur hidup atau parahnya makan hati tiap hari.

And last but not least.

If you want to be happy, you will. Mencari kebahagiaan ngga mesti di orang lain, kita bisa kok menciptakan bahagianya kita sendiri. We don't need someone else just to feel loved. We can love ourselves and be happy with it. Tidak ada yang menjamin sudah menikah pasti bahagia, kebahagiaan itu dibuat bukan dicari.